navy notebook with the pressed flowers
Notice: these notes were jotted over the course of a year in a little notebook I always carried in my back pocket. They are venting sessions, prayers, insights, reflections, and other personal matters. These are Joe's thoughts from a particular year (Nov 2021 to May '22). I wonder what he has to say to you.
11/22/21
Water and air, refiners of sand and stone.
Praise and vice, that of man.
Maybe the alien is less foreign than the local?
Who is native but God?
We are all outsiders, foreigners, castaways.
Included in the heavenly dance of time, space, and invention.
The great inventor seldom errs.
Man can only curate, imitate, and juxtapose the handiwork of the King.
Not only can we, we must.
Curation is a high calling, bringing together the strands of the created.
The imitator may only knit and hope to maintain the intrinsic glory of raw material.
Even the rocks would cry out.
Who is a priest but the mineral?
We are a divine priesthood, formed from the clay.
Semblances of self hidden in the dirt, aching to be revealed.
11/28/21
Clusters.
Beauty is contagious.
"Why do you ask my name, seeing it is Wonderful?" responded the angel.
Obsession is repetitive.
Passion is generative.
Bring a fresh wind onto the kindling of my heart Lord. I want to see you.
Assigning extrinsic reward to something intrinsically rewarding dilutes inspiration and formation.
Key struggling to fit in the lock.
Heart struggling to meld with home.
It's the right fit.
I'm just trying too hard.
Slain and born by fire or fire.
A lecture from a chaotic morning.
Pulled into the bliss of the juvenile,
officiating the marriage of the broken pieces,
pieces of what I wish I was,
what I've come to believe I am,
and what He's called me.
Married in holy maelstromony.
I belong to the wind, the fire, the typhoon.
The mystical controller,
the flagrant truthsayer,
the tempered ancient one.
To know and be known by that which is bigger than me.
Deepening my view of self.
Finiteness isn't appreciated
as scarce
until shattered
by the infinite.
He is a knowing God, a gentleman, intentional thought and effort flowing from every surface and symbol given. Only good gifts.
The camera won't see it like I do, but I won't remember it like the camera does.
I feel like a photon.
Both a particle and a wave.
I can't know who I am and who I will be at the same time.
European slaves existed in ancient Rome and the Ottoman Empire. Not to mention feudalism in Europe. The Barbary slave trade was the Barbary coast of N Africa, markets where Christian white slaves were sold as a blood tax. 1-2M captured from Poland for the Ottoman empire. Lots of slavery under Islamic rule.
Devshirme - blood tax (Islamic). 500k-1m enslaved adolescent males.
Between 50-67% of white immigrants to the American colonies traveled under indenture.
The French sent their mentally ill, criminal, and homeless to New Orleans.
"People of the Book" is Christians, Jews, and others.
Politicians are more actors than thinkers.
A government is an enterprise with a monopoly on violence.
It's easy to love myself in general, hard to love myself in specific.
Thoughts on a hike:
I have much to learn from the nurse log.
Water knows seasons better than anyone, how wise.
Exercising burstfulness before God. Simply playing.
Snow softens all things in texture and color.
I prefer the green of moss to the green of trees.
Surface tension and surface dimension. Jiggling atoms where liquid meets gas.
One small path in the vastness - packed slick and distinct. "This is where the humans go." The deer says with a twinkle in her eye.
When exactly did we become foreigners to nature? We've been domesticated.
Rivers of mercy, and I am a river rock. In yielding to the current I am rubbed free of all but my smoothest form. Gradually, I am carved thinner and thinner, becoming more like the river, less like the rock. At once, I am smoothed into nothingness. I am the river itself, fragments of me rubbing and carving and smoothing my past kin in rivers of mercy.
My brain is a recycling bin of old ideas.
I iterate, imitate, curate, hoping to uncover something new.
The wise man laughs across the room, noticing my obsessive frenzy.
"Don't you know?" He steps closer, "stillness is the nest of novelty. She's like a rare bird, move quickly and she'll dart. She's like truth. You can't capture her - you can only sight her suddenly. Drop what you're doing, this is good news! One need do nothing but let their hair grow out to become a genius! After all, the best artists have had long hair haven't they?" He lets out a gentle giggle, "drop your scowl, I'm only joking around."
Her voice waned with the tire of 1000 misunderstood people.
Written from a retreat location near Mt Adams.
It has been a wonderful time at this little box in the woods. Thank you for meeting me here Lord, same time next year?
I want to be the shape of your heart Lord. Mold and mend me, fill me with tenderness, resilience, and freedom.
The mind of the potter contemplates not the clay but the vase, not the dust but the formation.
Flow is obsessive and repetitive
Failure is passionate and generative
Many have autosuggest reigning over their lives. Words, thoughts, opinions, interpretations - autopopulated by the contagion of someone else or of a Google search. It's frightening.
Vestibular system: in the spinal column, sends signals mostly to the eyes.
Semicircle canals - rotational movement.
Otoliths - linear acceleration. Otolithic organs are primarily particles of hair cells, increasing stimulation when the head is tilted
Signals are also sent to muscles to keep creatures upright.
Dynamics - position
Kinematics - acceleration in space
Interpreting rotational signals is straightforward, interpreting Otolithic signals are complicated.
Vestibular input is received with delay.
When one experiences vestibular input without any other input, they experience self-motion.
Vestibular disease often causes vertigo.
When vestibular and visual inputs disagree, one is likely to experience nausea (see VR). "Space sickness" happens in VR and in zero gravity environments.
PAN: Positional Alcohol Nystagmus - when the alcohol concentration is higher/lower in the blood than in the vestibular system.
PAN 1: higher (occurs right after congestion)
PAN 2: Lower (occurs a few hours after ingestion)
Subjective vertigo changes directions between PAN 1 and PAN 2.
Birds have additional vestibular systems.
Invertebrates have a large variety of vestibular systems (flies are in the wings).
Geriatric - relating to oldness.
Prov 15:33 - The fear of the Lord is instruction in wisdom and humility comes before honor.
Vision of home:
Open, natural light, lock gets caught while turning.
Snowfall, can't see, freezing, a warm light, home, cozy family.
On work: a wise king seeing the child draw away, pursuing them and placing fine treasures in the child's hand
I don't feel very invitational. Ukraine hanging over all this.
Boldness to ask, willingness to change.
I need an ego check.
Praying for the impossible is more about trust than answers.
Better questions in self-discovery.
Lord, I'm so full of myself but I can't remember the slightest thing about me.
Heart is stuck in my mouth.
My mirror was shattered and I, as by instinct, cut myself with the shards.
Here You come again, new mirror in hand. Increase my faith.
I love building my image like how I love lusting after women.
A poison I'm addicted to. Thank you for Your peace in the midst.
The groans of the dying and the groans of the Spirit are eerily similar.
You're bizarre to me Joe.
Wholeness over happiness.
I muffle my cries for help.
Homeless and helpless.
I lap up the milky immature faith.
The beggar is the sage.
Who is self but image-bearing, sensory-bounded flesh.
The last word has a bite to it.
I'm weaker than I think I am.
How much do you pay a man to assassinate himself? Are you purchasing death or freedom?
God, I'm breaking at the seams. A familiar feeling, the war-torn-ness of my own heart.
I've broken my pacifist vow,
waged war with myself.
Flying the flag of surrender,
burning my own coat of arms.
I threw the baby out with the bath water
and it didn't even cry.
I'll be honest with you, I'm contemplating death. Why? Because I can I guess.
It's like a black hole and I'm a wayward planet who didn't trust the natural gravitation tug of the Son.
I'm so detached right now. Anyone could say anything to me and I'd be unfazed. I don't know how to reconcile that with the deep love I feel for most people.
Why do I immortalize my thoughts on this packet of dead trees? Having delusions of grandeur of someone finding this - pitying me while revering me. I revere and pity myself it seems.
It feels like I forgot something, but I left it on the other side of death.
I want to go fetch it. Dying seems a grand adventure.
It appears I'm a narcissist.
I'm an instrument of praise, but I'm in a minor key while the rest of the church... nvm
Whatever happened tonight in me was weird. Somehow I'm supposed to snap back to normal life tomorrow morning. I'm better friends with melancholy than happiness. It understands me much better. I'm on holy ground I guess.
Lord,
I lift up this prayer with a hard heart, a detached mind, and a disillusioned soul.
I need you to heal my mind. I'm sick. Heal me Lord.
Is not your right hand strong?
Are you not healer?
Bring your glory to this misused vessel!
Could we renew our vows?
I forget who I am when I'm not your bride. I forget the value of my life.
I love you Lord. Blessed are you, God of mercy.
Lord, rally all of heaven to scheme a full deliverance on your bride's behalf.
Am I not one with You in spirit?
Strike me down if You cannot or will not make glory of these ashes.
Raise up these dry bones.
I'm trembling. I fear You. Show me Your glory.
I am a sinner of sinners. A failure of failures.
Prove Your strength through me to the world that's convinced of Your weakness.
Show me where You want to send me. May a path arise.
Train my tongue:
I'm not alone.
You are with me.
Flesh may fail, but Your Spirit strengthens and guides me.
This is Holy Ground.
Show me bolder ways to pray.
I fear You and I love You.
Make Your promises true to me.
I want to enter into covenants with you like the prophets of old.
Wholeness seems to include the pit, but even there You are with me.
Divine providence completely. I needed You and You came.
Thanks Dad :)
I stab myself and stare at the Lord expecting Him to be hurt, and He is pained, but I am the one with the bleeding, gaping hole in my chest.
Logic can be too slow, intuition can be too fast.
Culture is to a group as personality is to an individual.
I'm antifragile because of Jesus, the very structure of my heart.
Suffering > Endurance > Character > Hope
The wisest teachers can teach a child.
"Everything's changed, nothing's different."
Critical thinking and critical feeling.
Here I am Lord.
Your ways are above my ways.
Lord I need to look to You to be able to focus on anything. I so intensely desire You, but I poison that desire by using it as fuel to rebel against you. And you faithfully chase me.
Enlarge my heart, give me a spirit of intercession. I am a weary and battered soul, looking for relief at the feet of my idols.
God of Jacob, break my idols, I need Your rest, I need Your wisdom, Your energy, You are where my help comes from.
Delight in the Lord again O my soul.
"The words of the Lord are pure words, like silver refined in a furnace on the ground, purified 7 times"
"As for me, I shall behold Your face in righteousness, when I awake, I shall be satisfied with Your likeness."
The Prayers of the Faithful:
(words from those who cling to His promises)
"You know the way of the righteous, the way of the wicked will perish" Ps 1
"He who sits in the heavens laughs... You will speak to them in Your wrath and terrify them in Your fury." Ps 2
"Save me for the sake of Your love"
"God is a righteous judge and a God who feels indignation every day."
"The Lord is a stronghold in the times of trouble." Ps 9
"He does not forget the cry of the afflicted" Ps 9
"Put them in fear, O God, let the nations know they are but men."
"Why do You hide Yourself in times of trouble?" Ps 10, Ps 13:1-3
"You are my Lord, I have no good apart from You." Ps 18 righteous anger
Mornings are for fitness and self-development, evenings are for learning.
HIIT - High Intensity Interval Thinking
Politics has become less about legislation and more about performing your zeal.
Politics is competing partial truths.
At first, idols give you everything and ask for nothing, after a while they give nothing and ask for everything.
So many different faces
So many different names
But when you boil it down
They all seem to act the same
Relapse. A close friend of mine at this point. They understand be better than anyone. What's a 21 year old to do in the digital age?
I recycle the thoughts of others, making them my own and pretending it's sustainable.
The pain of regret or discipline?
Discipline isn't always healthy, but regret is arguably worse (assuming you have your head on straight).
Hyperfunction in a society that manufactures disfunction is a lofty task.
In order to optimize well you need to clearly define what you're optimizing for.
Failed simulation effect: The impressiveness you assign things is not based on how much work that thing requires but on how hard it is for us to imagine doing that.
Most learning and new information adheres to the context in which it was perceived.
Hardware doesn't move at the speed of software (yet).
Transition time is now.
The background music just changed.
A gentle breeze bending a willow.
A wafting sweet smell.
The social feeling of knowing something to be intimate, but naming it as intimate would break it. Intimacy is delicate in that way, easily moved. One must be gentle and thoughtful.
Fin.